I’m using my time tucked away on a hospital ward to catch up on some study. Filling my non work time with the examination, for want of any other word, of what makes me, you, us, ‘the BDSM Community’ tick. Helping me in my volunteering and more importantly, my Dominant life. Anyone can cane you or flog you, make you cum a dozen different ways, but my Dominance is about understanding your life soul too. What mental stimulus drives your submission, why do I lean more to paticular types of submissives than others; what drives you to seek a certain type of ‘Dominant’ over another?
Which made me pause over this long ago published article a little longer than I’d intended. Listening to each premise of dependant personality disorder & recalling tweets, accounts, bios, all echoing elements of the above. Recalling accounts of ‘newbies’ whose perception of submission saw them abused and sadly disappointed in their choices. Pondering the labelling of traits that, in a different power exchange scenario or label dispensing ‘professional’ are seen as positives or routes to abuse.
You, I’m sure, can recall dependancy tweets. 140 characters of ‘help me’ pleadings, do you, as I confess I do, rank them? Pathetic attention seeking individuals, through the gambit of those lost and alone through to submissives in the accepted sense seeking to balance themselves & their choices against a world of similar mindsets. Do you categorise them silently as merely a twitter player who throws something out into the ether to just see who bites? The tweeter who is genuinely struggling with life and, for a plethora of reasons finds sense and solace through online connections without fear of judgment? or the submissive matching your own struggles to incorporate a sensual sexual self into your life role?
How does your labelling affect your interaction? Do you rush in offering help advice offline contact? More importantly do you follow through? Words are after all cheap screen shots, if you’re attaching yourself by whatever means to a dependancy need it’s the aftermath of your words that matter more. Being available, through whatever means you’ve proffered. To my mind it’s about lending an ear, giving a direct response if asked for; one that can help lead thoughts to more productive ends. Growing the individual so that the ‘lost and alone group’ develop self belief & strength joining the true submissives checking their ideas against the like minded and improving their life contact with others. Facing up to their real life challenges too. All very chivalrous I know and to some readers trite or self promoting as the ‘solver personality’ at best or the architypal ‘control freak’. That’s the fork in the road though isn’t it from the ‘Dominant’s’ perspective. When does dealing with dependancy become abuse because you dear Dom(me) need that attachment to validate yourself? That to you that’s all part of your submissive’s role to be stranded without you? You’re the timeline that boasts how you’re there for your subs without actually seeking to develop them or rebuilding them at all. Some of the twitter accounts I admire the most are those submissives who’ve separated from a Dominant with strength, self awareness, pride and a strong sense of what next. Those I loathe, separations played out as woe is me abandonment, whether it’s self berating/anger directing/pity & protect me tweets. These define not the old school D/s I’ve grown up with but the modern day 50SOG fuck with fun brigade filled with dependancy loaded victims seeking an escape. One side looking to find all they lack in real life from the fantasy figure able to create an image in that likeness for a few artistic fumbles in a hotel room away from the prying eyes of partners wives and families.
Brutal possibly, but remember I speak this I don’t write it as you might, what appears written to you is simply the verbal tumbling of thoughts.
You see ultimately I feel that if you’re going to label yourself as Dominant this is where you earn your keep. Without having to read the list of dependancy personality traits you instinctively know them as they are diametrically opposed to your character type. That isn’t to say there aren’t moments in your life when you simply need the strength and value of your submissive to see you through, but the trick is building her/him up so that in those moments they can be the support you need without squealing across twitter that you’ve ‘switched’. So that they can respect the connection to allow the dependancy to flow the other way. Have confidence. Not rush screaming into the arms of another just because for that moment you can’t book a hotel room, fuck them, talk to them before the school run.
All that of course, presupposing you as a Dominant gave them that courage in the first place and didn’t encourage their dependancy in order to prop up your ego with their endless my master this my master that row of tweets.
Ultimately we all have a dash of dependancy personality disorder in us. I’m currently wrestling with my little bit trying not to reach out to the Dominant I admire the most for a subby little hug to see me through. But without that internal fight I don’t think I’d have let my mind wander so much into thoughts of ‘type’, the thoughts of labels that can praise or destroy so thoughtlessly & how, next time I listen to a dependant tweet I need to be sure I do the right thing.